So for the last 10 days I’ve been in a hit of an anxiety blur. A blur is what it feels like. Yesterday I found this brilliant description of what depression feels like on the finethanksyou blog. It really spoke to me and how I’ve been feeling.
I didn’t feel quite whole. I felt sick in my stomach. I felt cold and exhausted. Cold inside my body, inside my bones. And exhausted, not tired or sleepy just completely and utterly exhausted. I wanted to be on my own. I couldn’t make conversation. Couldn’t pretend to be happy. Didn’t feel like I was good company and felt like I was removed from everyone else. Normal life, normal conversation, fun and games felt removed to me but cruelly I could see it happens in front of me. I tried to carry on. I tried a variety of things, I tried powering through and carrying on as normal. I tried self care things to look after myself, to be kind to myself. I went to work, I posted photos on Instagram, I watched some tv and films, I did some stretching and Pilates at home, I did a bit of colouring and crafting, I rested and I cuddled Milly. (I enjoyed thinking of ways to get my Blurt Foundation #365daysofselfcare post it notes in the photos!
I got upset at myself. I wondered why this was happening. I wondered what was wrong with me and what I could do to make myself better. I had a couple of days off work to rest, my counsellor encouraged me to take some ‘mental health days’. The second day I felt worried and guilty about not being at work. I went to work the next day, then cried after saying hello to a couple of people. I had a chilled out weekend. Mainly chilled out at home and spent a lovely Sunday with my sister. Monday comes along, I think I’ll be ok. I give up about 2pm. That’s after having a little cry, shivering st my desk, huddled under fleeces as blankets and walking round the building in an effort to perk up. I came home and me Milly half watched a film and half snoozed on the sofa.
Today? I’m doing better. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. And I don’t think there’s a reason. I think I just needed time, space and to be kind to myself. I always try and remember ‘This too shall pass’ and remember that this has happened before and I will get through it. However much I know this to be true, it’s always hard to remember when you’re in an anxiety blur.
Have you ever felt like this? Is anxiety blur a good description? What do you do to clear the mist?