Lauren’s journal 7/7/16


Hey guys,

So after my post on Sunday to telling you all about the fog that had clouded my head (but also what a wonderful partner I had!) I thought I’d write you a little update and let you know how l am.

Monday and Tuesday I got out of bed and went to work and powered through. But that meant that by the time I got home from work I was exhausted. I had a nice little nap on Tuesday, woke up to a freshly cooked dinner (told you he was wonderful!)

Wednesday I really didn’t want to get out of bed. I felt really low. I had to have a gentle reminder that I hadn’t showered in a few days… But I did get up, I showered and headed to my counselling appointment. This is quite a new thing for me and only my second time of seeing this counsellor. To be honest, feeling nervous about the appointment could have been part of what was stressing me out.

My counsellor suggested that I had maybe done too much before. I had felt really positive but maybe a week full time at work (after having a week off work) two Pilates class, a Zumba class, a gig and then family time had been too much for me. I had done too much and I needed to crash. I’ve been thinking about this and maybe she’s right. But is it too much? Doing those things are important to me. I want to have a good work life balance. I want to exercise. I really like my Pilates and Zumba class. Both are really fun. Pilates is good for my back (which incidentally has started hurting again which is not helping my mood and does it hurt because I did too much last week?) I get to see my friend at Zumba and I have a real laugh with my Pilates instructor.

Then I start to wonder do I really have depression or am I just lazy? Why can’t I cope with life? Most people can just get on with things? Am I only going to be able to cope with a part time job?

Now, the fog has begun to lift. I’m starting to feel a bit brighter. I’ll probably never know what triggered this low point but I do think that talking to the counsellor helped. I also think being honest with myself and with others about what has been going on and how I’ve been feeling has helped this black cloud not linger for too long.

 

Milly's guide to happiness. Depression. Mental health.


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0 thoughts on “Lauren’s journal 7/7/16

  • Lulu

    It sounds like you had a pretty rough week. I’m glad the cloud is lifting. One of my fears as a sufferer of depression is, “when will it happen again?” But I remind myself, it won’t last. It will get better. It sounds like you have great supports! I admire your efforts to find a healthy balance of the activities that you enjoy. I feel like I’m constantly striving to achieve the same thing, and it can be kind of exhausting sometimes. It seems like the way I know that something is off (not enough yoga, too much work, too much yoga, not enough reading…) is when I start to feel bad. Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out a better barometer! But, I’m trying to become more sensitive to it, so that I can make little adjustments before I start feeling *too* stressed/anxious/tired/depressed/etc.

    The questions that you are asking yourself really struck me, because they are the exact same questions that I ask myself! I used to have a really high-powered, competitive job, and I wonder now if I’ll ever go back to working at my actual “level.” Why can everyone else do it, but I can’t? Why am I so broken? Maybe they are all broken, too, but they just live in their brokenness, their addictions, their troubled marriages, and the other consequences of that high-pace, high-stress, overworked life. That’s not ok for me anymore. I would say, depression is definitely a medical illness, and it doesn’t mean you’re not capable or you can’t cope. It definitely does NOT mean that you are lazy! It also doesn’t mean that everyone else is doing all that fantastic, either, it may just seem that way. I think every person harbors a host of his or her own insecurities, and probably thinks that everyone else is prettier/smarter/thinner/more successful/more balanced/happier. I am glad your cloud is lifting, and I hope that it stays away, but if it ever does return and you have those thoughts, know that you’re not alone, and it’s not as dim as it appears. 🙂

    • LaurenEph Post author

      Thankyou so much for your comment. I’m really pleased that this post resonated with you. I always have to remind myself that this will not last but it is so tricky when you’re in that dark space. I have no answer to those questions we ask ourselves but now the fogginess has passed a bit they do not matter as much. Hope you’re doing okay.

  • beetleypete

    You are being very honest by challenging your own perceptions of your illness, Lauren. Quite a lot of us are able to push ourselves through low periods, when others cannot. Some people do not allow themselves to accept that they have depression, and provide other reasons or excuses for feeling the way they do.
    The simple fact is, we are not all the same. Where some can cope with certain things, those same things may send others on a downward spiral. Many soldiers returning from war suffer from PTSD, but just as many do not, and never will. We don’t get to chose our levels of coping, they are what they are, like the colour of our eyes, or the shape of our face.
    Best wishes, Pete.

  • ecteedoff

    thx for writing this. i struggle with these questions all the time. i think everyone has to make their own decisions about life and needs and sometimes it takes a while to figure it out. at least that’s what i’m hoping for 😉

    • LaurenEph Post author

      Thanks for your comment, I’m glad that my writing spoke to you. Now that I’m in a brighter place the questions aren’t so important but like you I hope it will all work out eventually!