Day 7 of my mental health themed A to Z Challenge is G for Good Enough.
There’s something deep down inside me that truly believes that I am not good enough. Good enough for what you might ask? Good enough for anything and everything would be the answer. I’ve always been a good Brownie and tried to do my best and maybe that has left me feeling like I never quite make it. There was also a particular incident that happened when I was a young teenager. Typical girls being girls and bitches being bitches but it’s a feeling and belief that seems to have stuck with me. And unfortunately there has been various things in my life since which just stacks up the evidence for this belief. The facts that counter this belief are never quite enough to challenge it long term.
I would always have described myself as someone with low self esteem but this feeling of not being good enough and the depression and panic that goes with it has got worse since I’ve got older. Strangely I can hold it together at work. I know that I’m good at my job, am an asset to my workplace and to the sector that I work in. This year I’m leading on projects, starting new initiatives and have put myself forward to speak at a conference.
A counsellor made me see that sometimes this belief of not being good enough has affected my friendships. I’ve pushed people away before I can get hurt. At the first sign of feeling not good enough or if someone makes me feel inadequate I get the hell out of there.
At times I have felt this way about this blog. In an ocean full of bloggers what the hell am I doing sticking my words in the water? The self doubt kicks in and I wonder if my words, photos and ideas are good enough? Who am I to write this stuff and send it out into the world? (And then I remind myself that no-one else can write my story and get over it – plus Milly is pretty special so this blog has that going for it!)
I only realised how strongly I had this not good enough belief last year. It was through a CBT group I went to. It described mental health problems as being rooted in a core belief which was like a bulb. CBT would cut back the shoots that came from this core belief. In this way it does not tackle the core belief directly but stops it creeping into your day to day life.
Instantly I knew what my core belief is. To tackle it I have been trying self care activities. By walking, colouring and crafting I have not been giving the core belief the space or light to grow. I think what I need to do now is learn to really and truly love myself to really tackle the core.
Thankyou for reading,