Day 8 of my mental health themed A to Z Challenge is H for Happy Pills aka antidepressants.
I have been taking antidepressants for 6 years. I’m currently taking 150mg of Sertraline. The dose has varied depending on what’s going on with life, it has been low as 50mg.
I resisted taking antidepressants for a very long time. I had a breakdown at university in 2008. A doctor prescribed some diazepam as a short term measure. Even after I had got the prescription I only took them because I couldn’t stop crying. I felt awful on them. I felt like a zombie, I didn’t feel any emotion, happy or sad.
It wasn’t until 2011 that I explored taking medication again. I was doing a Masters and experienced another crisis of confidence and extreme low mood. To be honest, the counsellor I was seeing at the time was pretty rubbish but he and the doctor recommended that I try antidepressants to lift me out of the dark, dark place I was in.
As I’m becoming more open and honest with myself about mental health I’m becoming more confident about the fact that I take antidepressants. I call them my happy pills! I even made myself a happy pills bag to keep them in.
Recently I’ve been reflecting on my medication. The counsellor I saw last year suggested that if the Sertraline was working I wouldn’t be as up and down as I am. I need to really think and reflect on my mental health and be open and honest with a doctor. I need to be open about how I feel and what antidepressants can do for me. But to be honest, that terrifies me. I’m super scared of changing the status quo. I have no side effects. Yes I’m up and down but generally I am more up or middle than down. I’m scared of that changing. I’m scared of being always down.
Thankyou for reading,