Anxiety Blur

So for the last 10 days I’ve been in a hit of an anxiety blur. A blur is what it feels like. Yesterday I found this brilliant description of what depression feels like on the finethanksyou blog. It really spoke to me and how I’ve been feeling.

I didn’t feel quite whole. I felt sick in my stomach. I felt cold and exhausted. Cold inside my body, inside my bones. And exhausted, not tired or sleepy just completely and utterly exhausted. I wanted to be on my own. I couldn’t make conversation. Couldn’t pretend to be happy. Didn’t feel like I was good company and felt like I was removed from everyone else. Normal life, normal conversation, fun and games felt removed to me but cruelly I could see it happens in front of me. I tried to carry on. I tried a variety of things, I tried powering through and carrying on as normal. I tried self care things to look after myself, to be kind to myself. I went to work, I posted photos on Instagram, I watched some tv and films, I did some stretching and Pilates at home, I did a bit of colouring and crafting, I rested and I cuddled Milly. (I enjoyed thinking of ways to get my Blurt Foundation #365daysofselfcare post it notes in the photos!

I got upset at myself. I wondered why this was happening. I wondered what was wrong with me and what I could do to make myself better. I had a couple of days off work to rest, my counsellor encouraged me to take some ‘mental health days’. The second day I felt worried and guilty about not being at work. I went to work the next day, then cried after saying hello to a couple of people. I had a chilled out weekend. Mainly chilled out at home and spent a lovely Sunday with my sister. Monday comes along, I think I’ll be ok. I give up about 2pm. That’s after having a little cry, shivering st my desk, huddled under fleeces as blankets and walking round the building in an effort to perk up. I came home and me Milly half watched a film and half snoozed on the sofa.

Today? I’m doing better. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. And I don’t think there’s a reason. I think I just needed time, space and to be kind to myself. I always try and remember ‘This too shall pass’ and remember that this has happened before and I will get through it. However much I know this to be true, it’s always hard to remember when you’re in an anxiety blur.

Have you ever felt like this? Is anxiety blur a good description? What do you do to clear the mist?

Let me know what you think

0 thoughts on “Anxiety Blur

  • finethanksyou

    I know how you feel. I think you made a good call by taking a few Mental Health days off. Sometimes, you need a “reset days”. Where you do nothing but mooch. Also, thank you so much for linking to my blog. Thank you.

  • beetleypete

    I haven’t ever experienced anything similar, Lauren. However, it sounds like you had some sort of ‘come-down’. After a period of good things happening, like your charity walk, the wedding, and nice days out, you had the return to everyday life and work, no immediate plans, and perhaps nothing to look forward to coming up. Maybe your mind dealt with the change by stopping everything. It gave you time to reflect, and you do seem to be on the other side of it now.
    Best wishes, Pete.

    • LaurenEph Post author

      Thankyou for your comment Pete, I am doing a lot better now Thankyou. I think I was exhausted! And when I get that overtired it’s the right environment for depression and anxiety to set in. It really helped to write about it actually.

  • Lulu

    Oh, Lauren! I’m sending you hugs across the ocean! ❤️❤️❤️ I hope that this week is going a bit better for you. I think that I have felt many similar things to what you describe.

    For me, anxiety feels like an unbearable intensity. Everything is feverishly heightened, happening so fast that I can’t control it, and I can’t make sense of anything. It is overwhelming, and I react without processing. I can’t respond, I just DO. I hate those thoughts and feelings, and it makes me so ANGRY to feel that way. I hate myself when I am like that, and I am always trying to figure out why and trying to make it stop. “What is wrong with me? What is happening?! Why am I letting this get so out of control? Everyone else is fine, nobody else is going crazy, nobody else is this stressed out, what is wrong with me?” I tell myself. In the past, I would binge, restrict, or over-exercise in those situations. Now, there is nothing to numb the emotional intensity. It is excruciatingly hard to make it all slow down. Mindfulness helps. So does the passage of time. The intensity can only last for so long.

    My depression feels like life is happening around me, just like you described. I don’t want to do the healthy, self-care things that I know are good for me, like yoga, swimming, and riding my bike. All I want to do is lay on the couch. I seem to go through the motions, and it doesn’t really help. I get enough sleep, I do my gentle exercises, I call friends when I am lonely, but I remain in a fog of depression. Usually it lasts about a week, and sometimes I can identify a trigger, but often I can’t. When it lifts, it just feels like a haze evaporated under a rising afternoon sun. There’s no dramatic snapping out of it. I just feel normal again for no reason.

    Just last week, I took a “mental health day,” and it was wonderful. I took Friday off to give myself a 3-day weekend, and it was just what I needed after a couple very stressful weeks at work. When I read this post, there were so many things that I could relate to. I’m sorry for the excessively long comment, but I guess what I really want to say is, “You’re not alone!” and “Me too!” ❤️

  • gilian

    It happened to me before. I couldn’t understand either, but I forced myself to read encouraging verses though they we’re just passing my mind. I listened to music. I tried to avoid making stupid decisions at that time until everything’s over.
    I’ve read that depression is God’s warning signal of something ahead. So instead of sulking, it was meant to use it as preparation time to overcome. 🙂 I don’t know if I’m making sense. 😊Anyway, good that you are better now. 🙂